Later that night, Chad made me a really yummy dinner and surprised me with a push present: A necklace he had ordered from Etsy. LOVE it and wear it constantly! It has Lola's full name and the words, "I Love You to the Moon and Back." One thing I love about my husband is how much thought he puts into his gifts. This necklace means so much to me and I am so grateful that Chad gave me something so meaningful. This necklace stayed on me through the labor, c-section, recovery and days after. So special :)
The last thing we had to check off our list to do before the induction the following morning was to take our dear pup, Chandler Bing-Adams (yes, it's a hyphenate!) over to my in-laws' house to be doggysat while we were at the hospital. No big deal right? Wrong! Lol This is where my final, and biggest, meltdown of the pregnancy occurred. I was in the guest room, holding my pup, kissing him goodbye and I just lost it! Chad came in and saw that I was upset and was deeply concerned. Until he realized that this meltdown was quite clearly caused by pregnancy hormones. I was crying uncontrollably because I knew that when Chandler returned home to us in a few days, EVERYTHING would be different. I knew that this pup, who up until that point was truly my "baby," did not know what was coming and I began to feel really sad for him! While thinking about my poor little dog and all the changes, I glanced over to the closet where we were storing the diapers and wipes and started to bug out! All those diapers, and wipes....Oh. My. God. I am having a baby. It finally hit me! I am bringing a baby home. All those diapers, will be used. Everything is not just changing for the dog, but also for me. What about my marriage? What about my career? Will I be able to do this? Will Chandler ever forgive me for replacing him?!! It was all just too much! Chad of course was able to talk me down, and we ended up laughing pretty hard together. (Gotta love laughter through tears, right?) I finally was able to calm down, but I was unable to go with Chad to drop off my pup. I just couldn't say goodbye, so I stayed behind and got ready for bed. Here is Chandler right before being taken over to the in-laws':
Finally! The next morning came! I showered, got dressed, and couldn't have gotten out of the house faster! We arrived, checked in and then it all began. I have to say, the first couple hours were a nightmare. I was really scared and upset for several reasons. First, I had a really excited, positive attitude, and every person I came into contact to from receptionists, to nurses and so on, were incredibly rude to me. I understood that they were coming off of a night shift, but for a first time mom, who was already scared and unsure about what was going on, it was unnerving. One nurse asked me why I was there. I responded, "To be induced..." She said, "Oh, why are you being induced?" I felt like saying, "Read my chart, and you tell me!" I said, "I am past my due date and my doctor gave me the option to be." I got an eye-roll from the nurse that I still don't understand. Next, the nurse had to give me the IV to start the induction. She couldn't find a vein, but she kept trying repeatedly on both arms, poking away and messing up, over and over. It was awful. She tried a total of 6 times (4 on one arm, 2 on the other). Eventually she ended up putting the IV in on the top of my hand in the crease where my wrist is and gave me the instructions to "not bend my wrist." I agreed, but then it occurred to me: I am going to be in labor for God only knows how long, and had planned to use a labor bar, or get up and hold onto my husband, etc. for contractions, so not being allowed to bend my wrist for several hours seemed really unrealistic. Not to mention, the current location really hurt. I very politely expressed these concerns to the nurse and she was really annoyed with me. She very aggressively pulled out the IV and said she was done with trying on me and would just let someone else do it. This upset me. At the same time a nurse came in with some papers for me to sign that had my maiden name "Delap" on them. I told her that I needed that to be changed to Adams, because that is my name, as it is stated on my Social Security Card and my Driver's License. She bluntly said, "No." When I inquired why, she informed me that because my insurance card still said "Delap" that was what the papers would say. It would also be what the baby's bassinet would say. "Delap Baby." And any visitors would have to say they were visiting "Katie Delap." This pushed me over the edge! Everyone was being so mean, and for whatever reason, the idea that Lola would be called "Delap" by all these people, and on her little ID bracelet was just too much. I could not quit crying. It was my fault, of course, for not dealing with my insurance people sooner. I just made the assumption that since my SS and DL had my correct name that would be enough. I understood that they couldn't change it, I just wish they could have recognized how upset I was and had some grace in breaking the news to me. Then, the last nurse left the room saying OK, good luck. I stopped her to ask if my bed could move up or down (it was laying completely flat....not comfortable for a fat pregnant lady.) She was really annoyed, and handed me the remote that was across the room and told me it also made the TV work. Chad stopped her as she tried to run out to ask if there was a way to control the air temp since it was really stuffy in there (August in Fresno....90 degrees at 8AM) she showed us where the fan was and that was that. Literally had to ask for anything I needed. There was no hospitality whatsoever and when she left, I told Chad I was felling really freaked out and upset. He was really good at calming me down, but he shared my concern. As a first time dad, he was equally as nervous and was really unhappy with how poorly they were treating me.
A good cry, and two hours later, we were sitting in our room, no nurse in sight. (Which was fine by me at this point after how upset I was!) This became problematic only because since they took out my IV, my induction still had not began. Finally 3 hours later, our angel and nurse for the day came and everything got better! She was amazing. She showed me ways to deal with contractions, gave me an extra robe to cover my backside (can you believe the other nurses didn't even do that!), brought me frozen lemonade, explained what the monitors were showing me, etc. She was amazing. This is me after this angel came and turned things around for me:
Much better! Let's do this! My doctor stopped in to check on me and found that was about 2cm dilated, but Lola had yet to drop. She gave me the medicine that caused the induction to get moving. For a while, this was kind of a snooze fest! I was contracting, but they were very mild and not much progress was being made. This was a good time to socialize, though, so I was very grateful and excited for all the visitors! My mom and dad came up and stopped in to check on me along with my in-laws', sister in law, niece, and best friend, Erin. I had asked Erin if she would be with me in the room the entire time, and she agreed. I was so thankful to have her there! Not only is she my best friend and someone that I have shared everything with, but she had just given birth to her gorgeous son, Finn, less than a year prior so I knew she would be so helpful in the delivery room. She came and brought me some jolly ranchers to suck on, trashy magazines, and even brought Chad a sweatshirt in case it got cold in the room. She was amazing, as always, and I was so grateful to have her there! I wasn't sure how I would feel about having so many people in my room, but it was actually nice. The buzz of conversations was comforting to me, and honestly, I just felt so blessed that in my life there were that many people who wanted to be there for this huge experience. Everyone understood that if I got uncomfortable I would be kicking them out, and everyone was really receptive to this notion. For a while, it wasn't an issue. But then, things started to get real. Contractions are NOT FUN! Fully aware that I wasn't looking very glamorous, I still wanted pictures to be taken that day, even during the rough patches because it is such a unique and enormous experience! My sister in law snapped these when the contractions started to get really, really difficult. I had my dear husband on one side, staying calm, rubbing my head, keeping me focused. And, I had my best friend on the other side, holding my hand, saying all the right things, also keeping me focused. I was in serious pain, but I knew I was safe with both of them by my side.
After about 90 minutes give or take of contractions that kept coming on top of each other (ouch!) I opted to have the epidural. I have a love/hate relationship with my choice to have one. I loved that it took all the pain away and I could literally hold a conversation during contractions that would have knocked me on my butt before. I hated though, that once I had one I was not able to get up for labor. I hated having to switch sides every hour and getting tangled in all the cords and tubes that were attached to me. Also, after the epidural, my progress seemed to really slow down, which was very frustrating. Not to mention, even though the pain was like nothing I had ever experienced before, I had a really good handle on it and Chad and I had a groove going with each contraction. A part of me feels regret that I opted for the epidural so quickly. But, shoulda-coulda-woulda. C'est la vie!
The most frustrating part of this whole experience was not knowing what to expect for delivery. Several hours into my labor, I was only dilated to a 4 and Lola had not dropped. My OB told me she was going to leave to go out to dinner, and if when she came back 2 hours later I hadn't progressed more, she was going to deliver via C-section. I was devastated. With the help of Erin and Chad I gained enough confidence to tell my nurse that if the baby is doing OK, I had no interest in having a C-section. To me, it seemed like a no brainer: You don't have a C-section ONLY because the progress is moving along slowly. If the baby was in danger, then, sure. But if it was just a time thing, I just didn't feel comfortable with that. Luckily (or so it seemed at the time), when my OB came back I had dilated to a 7! Cheers were let out in my room and the nurses began to set up the equipment for a vaginal delivery. However, my joy was short lived. 4 hours went by, and things started to fall apart. In the matter of an hour several things went wrong. I was 18 hours in to labor, and even though I was dilated to a 7 before, at this point I was now at a 6--I was going backwards. Then, I began to shake profusely and could not stop. This is another side effect to the epidural sometimes, but for me, I was shaking because I had spiked a fever of 103. Then, my OB came to check me and found that Lola had pooped in the womb, which poses a huge risk for the baby and the mama. Lastly, Lola's heart rate was slowly decreasing to the point that I could tell the nurses were concerned. They had on a good poker face, but it was clear that things were not right. To top it all off, Lola still had not dropped. It was then that I became frantic. I tried my best to stay calm, but I looked at my husband and mom's faces and could tell that they were very worried. Thank God for Erin, who was able to stay calm and strong and say all the right things! My mom and husband were far too worried to offer the comfort that I needed--they tried, don't get me wrong! But I could see right through their words and see their fear. So to Erin, THANK GOD FOR YOU. I was already frantic, but without you there to stay level headed and calm, it would have been much worse.
During this time when all the things kept going wrong, my OB was nowhere in sight. The nurses paged her several times and she was not responding. (Found out later that she was in surgery.) When she finally came, she was calm and level headed and let me know that she still was confident I could do a vaginal delivery if I wanted. She promised me that if things got worse, she would be honest with me and recommend a C, but at this point she didn't see the need. I felt very confused. Hours earlier she was pretty adamant about delivering via C section just due to time. Now, with all these awful things happening, she was acting surprisingly cavalier about the whole thing. Bells and alarms went off in my head and just clicked: I wanted a C section and I wanted it immediately. You read about the kind of force that occurs during labor. With each contraction, hundreds of pounds of force are pressing down on that baby to help push them out. Knowing that, and knowing that Lola had yet to drop, my fear was that she was not in the birth canal, but pushed into my pelvis. Then I imagined that amount of force on her and being pushed not into the birth canal, but into my bones. Logically, this seemed like a way to hurt the baby. I needed her out safe, and I needed her out safe NOW. I remember Erin and Chad saying, OK so don't feel rushed and don't feel like you need to make a decision right away, but I knew what my choice was. I needed to know she was OK, I did not want to risk any more complications.
My OB came back, I told her what I wanted and she was really supportive. Then, another bout of bad news: Since I had a fever, there was a pretty serious chance that I would not be able to hold my baby right away. She told me that when the mom has a fever, the protocol is to just "show" the baby to the mom and then take them to the nursery immediately so that they don't catch what mom has. I was really upset. I had planned to nurse and know the importance of attachment and holding that little miracle right away. I don't know how I managed, but I took this news, accepted it and just stayed positive. At that point it became about faith. I couldn't control what would happen, but I could have faith that things would work out OK. And you better believe I would have raised a huge fight if they didn't let me hold my baby. But I decided to focus on one thing at a time. And right now, I was focused on surgery. Chad and I were really scared. Chad went out to the waiting room to inform everyone that we were going to have a C section and then bursted into tears. Poor guy :( It was really hard since this wasn't our birth plan, and all the complications were just so scary. My in laws were amazing and immediately decided to give Chad and I a blessing before heading into surgery. They called a dear friend of the family to come down to give the blessing and we were all there together in prayer for a safe delivery. Finally, 18 hours later, it was time to deliver my daughter. I was rolled into the room, arms strapped down, light shining bright on top of me, sore and tired from all the contractions. It was miserable and uncomfortable being strapped down like that, but I was on a high from adrenaline knowing it was almost time to see my girl. They gave me so much drugs that I was out and don't remember the actual delivery. All I know is I came to, and Chad was next to me, saying, "She's here, she's here! She's beautiful!" And I could hear her cry. Her sweet, high pitched, beautiful little cry. It was killing me not being able to see her! I kept asking for her and finally Chad was able to go get her and bring her to me. I waited for a few seconds and then Chad appeared holding this little miracle and brought her over to me. I asked, "Can I hold her?" And the nurses agreed, even though I was out of it and still laying on the table. I wish I could bottle up this feeling of seeing her for the first time, touching her for the first time. I will never ever forget it:
*Reaching for my girl*
*Touching her for the first time*
*Is that really you, mom?*
*Best moment of my life*
*And just like that, a family was born*
The sequence of moments that played out immediately following Lola's birth are the best of my life. I have never felt that kind of joy, and I probably never will again unless/until we have another child. It was the purest form of happiness, a euphoria I did not anticipate. This miracle, this person came from inside of me. This little person is half me, half Chad. It is amazing. To this day I cannot wrap my head around it.
Unfortunately, mommy was not out of the woods yet. A large mass was found on my ovary, the size of a tennis ball. Chad actually saw the mass along with the rest of my insides when my doctor asked him to peak over the curtain to get a look at what she was dealing with. As I was too drugged up to make any medical decisions, she wanted Chad to see the mass and give her permission to remove it, which he did. (The mass was benign, just FYI).
Moral of the story, mommy instincts kick in right away. My OB may have given me the option to keep pushing for a vaginal delivery, but when they got in there they saw my little baby pressed good into my pelvis--she would have never dropped. This C section was inevitable. The only thing waiting and trying to for a vaginal delivery would have done is cause more complications. Not to mention, this mass would have never been found if I hadn't had a C. That said, I feel very good about my decision and so glad I pushed to get my baby out right away.
While I was being stitched back up in the delivery room, Chad was able to hold Lola and get some special daddy-daughter time with her across the hall in the recovery room. He was also able to snap some pictures of Lola getting her first bath, fingerprints, etc.
Needless to say, we got lucky and they did not keep Lola from me. My fever went down after surgery so there was no need. They rolled me into the recovery room and Chad left to go tell the family she was here and healthy. The nurse said, "Did you want some skin on skin time with your baby?" I sobbed and said, "yes." And reached for her. She was so small and soft and just beautiful. She immediately latched on to my breast and I began nursing her. I was in the happiest place of my life. A place I try to channel even now on days when I am feeling like I'm living in chaos. I was so thankful for the entire experience and so ready to be a mom to this little girl. It's 9 months later, and this joy still circulates inside me with every beat of my heart. I was born to be a mom to Lola. She is my life, my purpose, my light.
So that's it! That's our birth story. That is the story of how my life actually began.
